1998- "Do you see it?"
I won't ask for help. When you look at me do you see it? The fear of falling short? The doubt that sets in when I'm feeling like this task is too much? The hurt of people that say things that I laugh at, but deep down they feed my insecurities? The depression that eats at me and refuses to let me be happy for too long? Do you see it? You don't, because I don't want you to see it. I want you to think I'm ok. I want you to lean on me. I want you to borrow my faith. I want you to ask me for help. I want you to need me. Do you see it? The more you ask of me the less I have to think of what I'm feeling. I won't sit criticizing myself. I won't shy away from trying to do more. I won't scream silently in my head. I won't take risks. I won't miss what could be, because I'm wrapped up in what is. This hole of frustration. Do you see it? It's hard to see when the mask is on. Harder to see when we are all running so fast to beat each other instead of encouraging each other. We forget that today is a new day. We miss opportunities because we are clouded in negativity. We want to get out of this funk of a feeling, but we can't. Positive news isn't the headline we want. After all seeing someone happy reminds us that we aren't. Do you see it? I want you to. I need you to. Yet, here I am pretending for your sake. Maybe it's for my sake. I won't ask for help. Do you see it?
Today: "Ask for help"
I found this entry in an old journal yesterday from 1998. I was fighting my way through life at that time on a daily basis. Some days I still find those demons lurking, but I'm stronger than I was. I understand the importance of sharing. I get the need for support. Still there are days it's easier to hide it then to discuss it. Listen to me. I know it's not easy. I know it feels like you are a burden. I know you wish someone would see it, but we are masters at hiding it.
Stop.
Breathe.
Pray.
Reach out.
Find your person.
Find an outlet.
Focus on your passion.
Ask for help.
Help is all around us. I realized it when I finally decided to open my eyes and see it by letting people see me. Now they see me even when I can't. Even when I don't want them to, but am grateful they simply refuse to not see it anymore.
Believe In The Unbelievable that is YOU and my prayer for you today is for the strength to talk to someone when you need it. To realize there is strength in admitting it is ok to not be ok. God has you. He has you by the blessings He places in your path.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4: 6-7
Have a blessed day everyone.
David "DC" Carrizales
"All things are possible if you believe." Mark 9:23
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